How to Handle Rough Patches In Your Marriage
Your wedding day might have been one of the happiest days of your life, but that doesn’t mean that marriage is easy. While divorce rates have been slowly falling, the US rate for divorces sits at around 40-50% of first marriages. Many people say that the first year of marriage is especially difficult, as you adjust to a new family unit. Does this mean that there’s no point in trying to work through difficult times?
Not necessarily. While love might not be enough on its own, many married couples do manage to survive rough patches. Here are some strategies that they have found helpful.
Communication Skills
It seems like a cliche by now, but communication really does save relationships. But what do we actually mean when we say “communication skills”.
First, you need to be able to communicate clearly and make sure that you both actually understand what the other person is trying to say. It seems obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many arguments stem from unnecessary misunderstandings that could have been avoided so easily.
But it’s also important to be able to communicate kindly. When we get more familiar with someone, it can be easy to slip in how we speak to each other. We might not express how much we love each other as often, but we find it much easier to be harsh and critical. Even though you still love your partner, you aren’t making it obvious by how you speak to them.
This breakdown in loving communication, as well as an increased willingness to be harsh when you argue, can make it hard to keep on liking each other. After all, if someone keeps on insulting you, shouting at you, and never shows appreciation for what you do for them, would you want to spend time with them?
It’s important to maintain a dialogue of love as well as honesty. You shouldn’t keep everything to yourself, as this can also cause resentment to build as well, but if you have a concern or complaint, think about how you’re going to raise it. Some people find it helpful to write these things down and read it out so it doesn’t come across as harsher than necessary.
Work As a Team
One of the biggest mistakes that couples can make is to see each other as opponents, rather than being on the same team. When you get married, you make a vow to each other. Different people might say different things, but the general idea is the same, you promise to stick with each other and to love one another.
This is because you’re building a new life together, rather than trying to tear each other’s lives apart. Ideally, you should talk about how to work as a team before you get married, because this often determines how compatible you are.
Some people prefer a relationship where one party takes on the primary financial load, working and earning money to fund the household, while the other person takes on the domestic responsibilities. Other people prefer an even split, where both parties work similar hours and split household chores equally. And then there are a lot of relationships that sit between these two extremes.
There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with these ways of working together, as long as it’s something you both agree on and are able to stick to. Issues tend to rise when the loads are very obviously skewed one way or the other, with one person taking on way more than the other.
This isn’t working as a team. If you have children, the disparity can be even more obvious. So, work out how to split these chores and, if you need to readjust, talk about it like adults.
Treat Each Other
As well as communicating and working together in daily life, you also need to show your appreciation for each other. Just because there’s a ring on both fingers, it doesn’t mean you stop making an effort.
Try to look after yourself. While you should be able to relax in your own home, look after your health, fitness, and grooming. Make sure you’re still happy to dress up for special occasions and even not so special ones. Treat your partner as though you’re still trying to impress them, rather than taking them for granted.
Keep up with date nights and surprise gifts and treats. Find new ways to get to know each other and to show your appreciation and love for each other. This becomes even more important when you have children, because your relationship and identity can shift into just becoming “mom” or “dad” rather than your own person.
While your children have to take priority, you should still work on your relationship and try to stay connected to each other. Do things together as a family, but try to arrange some nights or even weekends where someone can look after your children while you have some private time together.
Couples Therapy
What if it seems impossible to work together and build a strong relationship? This is where marriage and family therapy can be incredibly helpful for helping you to build a dialogue and, hopefully, see what went wrong.
Family therapy doesn’t necessarily have to be the nuclear option or the last resort either. This type of counselling can help prevent communication issues from cropping up, or it can catch smaller issues in the bud and teach you how to work through them as a team rather than against each other.
When you’re in therapy, you should both be honest with each other and the therapist. If it’s appropriate, it can be helpful to get your children involved in the therapy as well. You can either have sessions alone, as a couple, or as a family, and some people find it helpful to mix these up.
This allows you to break down any barriers that have built up over time and, hopefully, build a stronger and happier relationship on top.
